s2uare

It seems I only write these days when bad things happen.  Tumblr has apparently become less a daily dairy and more an occasionally needed outlet.

On Sunday, I learned of the passing of another one of my friends back in Canada; the second friend in as many years.  Once again I find myself unable to reminisce or grieve with friends.  And, once again, I won’t be able to go back for the services. 

It’s drastically changed my grieving process, to the point where I don’t really go through it anymore.  Without having family or friends that share the same memories, I can either have a complete breakdown alone, or bottle everything up, bury myself in work and training, and just keep on going.  I have subconsciously chosen the latter, despite knowing that it can’t be healthy. 

Dom, you will be missed.

I was wrong.  

Having to say goodbye to friends as they move away isn’t the worst part of being an expat.  Having to wrap your head around sudden death of someone you’ve been friends with for over half your life is.  

There’s no one around you who knew the person so you can’t get drunk and remanence.  No one near to hug and share the mutual loss with.  If you live on your own, as I do, there’s no one to to just be in the same room as you to remind you that you’re not alone and to keep you out of your own head.  Knowing that you won’t be able to go back for the service because you can’t afford or get the flights.  

You just go through the motions of living; eat, go to work, train, go to sleep.  Mornings are the worst; waking up alone with your guard down so everything hits you full force.  Package everything into a box and bury it until you aren’t looking at Facebook hoping to see your friend come online but knowing she never will.

I’m isolating myself badly and I can’t help it.  I can’t decide if I want to help it.  Maybe I’m better off alone.

There’s something about EDM club/party/fantasy videos that makes my lizard brain go “Oh!  That looks like fun!”

…which is of course immediately followed by the rest of my brain shouting “Are you TRYING to give us an anxiety attack?!”

I know, I know…I’ve been really bad about writing lately.  I’ve been busy with so many other things that the blog has taken a back seat.  That I’ve been in Singapore for almost 5 years now, and things have gone from new and exciting to routine, doesn’t help matters.  

My dragon boating ‘career’ has kicked up a notch to the point where I’ve now competed in the Club Crew World Championships – something I meant to write about but never found the time – as well as the Hong Kong Dragon Boat Carnival – AKA the international race the HKDBF holds in conjunction with annual the Dragon Boat Festival.  Keeping myself in competition shape took up the majority of my free time when it was just for the events in Singapore.  Now that I’ve got to keep myself at the top of my game to compete internationally as well it’s even more time consuming.  

A few weeks back I took my first trip to France, which in the past would have resulted in several posts, but I didn’t take detailed notes on this trip and, as I went with my parents and brother, I feel as my target demographic will already have heard the stories from them.  Fear not, I took a lot of photos and I will post them as soon as I’m done running post on them…a couple of weeks from now.

In all honesty, a lot has changed since I last wrote.  The biggest change being that, after nearly 3 years of living on Club Street, I’ve moved.  Just one stop down the MRT line, but it’s a huge change.

Firstly, I’m now living on the 11th floor, not the 8th.  Secondly, I have an ocean view instead of a city view.  Thirdly, for the first time in nearly a decade, I have a balcony.  And fourthly, I’m living on my own.  I’d never lived without a flatmate, and after Bryan accepted a teaching position in Hong Kong, I felt that at 32 years of age it was time I gave it a try.  Getting promoted at work helped make the decision earlier.

Oh, I’ve been promoted at work.  That’s new too.

So far, the experiment is going well.  I still haven’t found the time to completely finish setting the place up – or decide just how bachelor pad-ish I want to make it – but my cube is starting to feel like home.  The entire unit is only 388sqft, which sounds tiny – and it is – but it’s really all the space I need.  An extra 50sqft would have been nice, so I could actually entertain people, but given my track record of hosting parties it’s really not much of an issue.

I suppose I should probably have a house warming at some point.  Fortunately there’s a BBQ pit and pool for such occasions.  Otherwise I’d have to invite people over two at a time.

Wow.  It’s been a while since I last wrote.  Lots has changed.

They’ve switched paper towel brands in the washrooms at work.  It’s softer but not as absorbent.  I’m not sure I’m a fan.  

There was a group of tourists on my MRT ride home this evening.  Or perhaps backpackers would be a better description.  They were young, blonde, fit and dressed in a manner that said they clearly weren’t accustom to the Singaporean weather.  Their backpacks, I’m assuming, were at their hostel.

The reason that I bring this up is that one of them had a dick drawn on the back of his left shoulder, in ballpoint pen.  It wasn’t the most masterful dick graffiti I’d ever seen – I did go to arts school – but I’d be willing to wager that the artist intended it to be erect.  The young man clearly had no idea it was there.  The intact nature of the piece indicated that no attempt had been made to scrub it off.  

It was hard not to bark a laugh when I noticed it.  After feeling like crap the entire day, it was a bright spot on the ride home.

I had an entry all drafted in my head, but then I logged on and discovered that it would have been nearly identical to my last post.  I suppose I shouldn’t complain too much; being an expat affords me a lot of opportunities so many people never get.  Constantly having friends you’ve grown close to leaving your life is hard though, and knowing that the odds that every person you become friends with is most likely going to leave in a year or two doesn’t make it any easier.  I’m not at a point in my life where I’m willing to crawl inside my own head and never interact with people again, so its just something I’m going to have to deal with.

I just found out more of my friends will be leaving sooner than I’d like them to be.

I can see why locals – not just in Singapore, but in general – rarely end up becoming close friends with expats.  The longer I stay here, the more goodbyes I have to say.  Lately it seems that before I know it I’ll have said goodbye to everyone I know and I’ll be left here on my own.

The haze has come back with vengeance.  It is as oppressive as it is depressing and new reports say that it’s expected to be with us for the remainder of 2015.  

Thanks for the delayed monsoon season, El Nino.  

Dealing with it has become an emotional/mental battle as much as it is a physical one, and I can feel it getting to me.  At least during winter I could do things outside.  The haze is a different beast.  This is a battle that layers of clothes and a mug of hot chocolate can’t beat.  I can remember waking up and being excited by the possibilities of a fresh snowfall.  I am as of yet to wake up and think ‘Yes! Another low visibility day full of foul smells, a nagging cough and long term lung damage!’  Frankly, it is putting me in a place mentally where I do not want to be.

None of my doors or windows have proper weather seals, but at least they close tightly and my ACs filter the air well enough.  I can’t imagine what it must be like living in an old HDB without properly fitting windows and an AC.

A Liberal majority, eh?  Well it’s not exactly the functioning minority I was wishing for, but it’s bound to be better than another 4 years under Harper.  I’ll admit, it does have me a bit worried about the economy, but hopefully Trudeau keeps his promises and undoes the damaging and divisive policies to the environment, sciences, First Nation’s and woman’s rights, world standing, etc that Harper pushed through while he was in power.  So far the first thing he’s done – his post election speech – has at least followed that tone, so maybe there’s hope.

What impresses me more than the much needed change at the top, was the high voter turnout.  Some provinces boasted a 73% turnout with the national average being somewhere close to 70% of all eligible voters making their way to the polls.  The number of youth voters was also reported to be the highest it’s been in ages, possibly due to there finally being a candidate/party that knows how to not alienate them.  Or chooses not to intentionally alienate and disenfranchise them.  Whatever the reason, it’s great that the fate of the country isn’t being determined by a less than ideal proportion of the population.  Now if we can only fix our electoral system.

I should mention that up until two weeks ago, the Conservative party thought they had this election unquestionably in the bag based on their voter estimates and polling information.  So to anyone who thinks that voting doesn’t make a difference…

fuck fuck fuck FUCK fuck fuck.

It feels like someone is twisting an ice pick into my shoulder.  It’s taking more than I’d like to admit to hold it together right now.  One little tweak on a rep while training at the gym today – which didn’t even feel that bad at the time – and now I’m in more pain that I can remember being in since I first injured myself last year.  I really need this just to be an inflammation thing that disappears in a day or two, but I can already feel my shoulder tightening up in a protective defence…